Unfinished Story

04 Tuesday Sep 2018

Posted by gaillporter in Authentic, Captivity, Choices, Freedom, Hope, Journey, Life

MY STORY HASN’T ENDED!

This was my first response to this image I received from my long-time friend, Shirley Mewhinney. As co-mentors, we process life together.

We’ve relayed stories about our past and laughed, and cried, and mourned with each other. These stories have shaped who we are, but we celebrate each time we let go of the past and live as the person God desires us to be today. We marvel at this truth: who we are today is not who we will be tomorrow.

Sometimes Shirley and I find ourselves momentarily believing that the stories of our past define who we are today. When we recall the regrets and missed opportunities, the heartaches and pain, the mistakes and disappointments, we begin to believe we will never change.

Shirley’s reflections

Over the years, I often felt my story ended in a country far away but not forgotten. Past experiences sometimes defined my life. The steps forward felt as if I was letting go of my dream to live and minister in that country for many years to come. 

In looking back, I realize that the choices and chapters of the past few decades represent only part of my story. This is not where my story ends as there are more chapters to be written. Even in fragile moments, and during wilderness wanderings, I am still living the story God wants to write through my life and by faith, I have taken steps that have led me out of the wilderness.

My future remains uncertain. It won’t be the same as I dreamed many years ago. Slowly, a new dream will emerge as God uses past experiences – both joyful and sorrowful – to mold and equip me for a new ministry to others who have been wounded by pain and disappointment.

As the above image indicates, at any given moment, I have the personal power, and the power of the Holy Spirit, to say, “This is not how my story is going to end.”

My reflections

In earlier years, the fear of rejection held me captive to the approval of others. To protect myself, I stayed aloof and reserved, didn’t allow others to know me well, and avoided any risk of disappointing them. I believe I convinced myself that this was the best way to live and the best kind of person to be.

God wasn’t finished writing my story, though. He began to reveal that my isolation kept me in bondage to my fear and prevented me from experiencing the life He intended me to have. Slowly He gave me courage to come out of my prison and take small steps toward releasing my fear and experiencing freedom to become the person He wants me to be.

I’m learning to trust God for the responses of people and stay focused on His view of me. Through consciously making these choices, I’ve been able to enjoy the new chapters God is writing in my story and the opportunities He’s giving me to help others find freedom from their fears. My life can become a continuing story of God’s faithfulness.

How would you describe your life story so far? What positive and negative experiences have shaped who you are today and affected the way you think and live? Do you believe that God is still writing your story…that He isn’t finished yet?

A Magical Moment

28 Saturday Jul 2018

Posted by gaillporter in Authentic, Choices, Connections

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The little girl in the pink polka-dot dress and her charming younger brother, who wore a cute plaid hat to complete his outfit, caught my attention.

They had accompanied their parents to Panera’s, and chosen seats nearby where I sat doing book editing. Occasionally glancing in their direction, I noticed the parent’s attentiveness and the children’s comfortable banter between bites.

When they stood to leave, the father walked toward me first. “What a lovely family you have,” I exclaimed.

He smiled and thanked me. His wife called her thanks from their table, before turning to gather her children. I smiled as they passed by and returned to my project.

Soon a fluttering of pink caught my eye. As I turned around, I looked into the face of the sweet girl, who hovered shyly near the back of my chair.

“Come here!” I said, as I reached out. After our hug, I kept my arm around her. “You’re so cute. I like your pink glasses. What’s your name?”

“Rachel.” Her eyes smiled at me and then glanced toward the door.

As I turned further, I caught a glimpse of her father standing out of the way, giving us girls our special moment. When I released her, Rachel smiled and waved goodbye, as if signaling that her personal mission had been accomplished.

For me that was a magical moment. I contemplated the changes I’ve seen in my life that enabled me to welcome Rachel to my side with such joy and delight. Her personal desire to spend that moment with me left a deep impression in my heart.

I celebrated that I’ve become more open with children. You see, I’ve always felt a bit disadvantaged because I didn’t grow up with younger siblings or raise children of my own. Many times I felt inadequate to reach out to them.

God began some specialized training after He took my brother Greig to heaven in 2010. With His guidance, I became a hands-on aunt to Greig’s four adult children, which extended to three great nieces and eventually one great-great niece. Gradually I learned to relax and be myself and genuinely enjoy their presence and their love. Together we’ve created priceless memories.

The greatest difference I’ve seen is with my 10-year-old great niece Piper. At first, I worried if she would have a good time at my home and enjoy me personally. Eventually I realized I didn’t need to entertain her. What she wanted most were my time and attention. Piper accepted me simply as her Aunt Gail without any expectations.

I thought I loved Piper. In truth, I sincerely desired to love her but remained a bit guarded. God opened my heart fully during one of her recent visits. New and unfamiliar emotions bubbled up from inside of me.

By embracing those emotions, I was able to begin loving Piper in a way I’d never loved her or any of my family. Her love and acceptance gave me courage to let my heart be more visible and verbally express my love to her.

This new freedom around children is what enabled me to open myself to my little friend Rachel. She’ll never know the magic she created when she smiled and hugged her way into my heart. I loved that we could be together, enjoying each other, without expectations.

That’s what God loves, too. He invites us, as His children, to relax in His presence and simply be who we are.

Buying Me Back

28 Wednesday Mar 2018

Posted by gaillporter in Choices, Faith, Freedom, Hope, Journey, Rejection

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Redemption took on new meaning for me last night.

Jeremiah, a Messianic Jew involved with Jews for Jesus, stood at the front of the room. As he led us through the Passover Seder, he explained the Christian symbolism of each element. Amazingly, each one points to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Messiah.

Throughout the presentation, Jeremiah emphasized the word “Redemption.” Each time he asked us to repeat the meaning with him: “God bought back what rightfully belonged to Him.” God created us, but we were separated from Him because of our sin. We needed a Savior who would “buy us back.” God’s Son Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay the price that bought our freedom to enjoy a personal relationship with God.

Jeremiah concluded with a story. A young boy had crafted a small, beautiful boat, with the help of his father. The last thing the boy did was paint his initials on the side. After father and son walked to the water’s edge, the son placed the boat on the surface and held on to the string he had tied to the back of it.

Grinning from ear to ear, the son watched the boat sway from side to side at the gentle persuasion of the breeze. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind ripped the string from his young fingers. He ran along the bank as fast as he could, but the boat sped ahead of him. He closed his eyes as big tears streamed past his quivering chin.

One day while walking on the sidewalk in their small town, he glimpsed something in a store window. It looked like a rusty boat. Drawing closer, he squinted through the glass and spotted his initials on the side.

Rushing into the store, he announced. “That’s my boat. Can I have it?”

The owner explained, “Another young boy brought that in and I paid him for it. You can have it if you pay me $10.”

In desperation, the boy raced home and emptied the money from his piggy bank on to his bed. Gathering the required amount, he ran back to the store and laid his coins on the counter. The owner smiled, walked over to the window, picked up the boat and set it in the boy’s waiting arms.

Beaming with joy, he walked outside. As he looked down and cradled his boat he said, “I owned you twice. I made you, then I lost you, and now I have bought you back.”

The imagined joy on his face will remain in my heart as I consider, once again, the indescribable love of my Father who allowed His Son to die so He could “buy me back.” That’s redemption.

Something New

31 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by gaillporter in Choices, Faith, Hope, Journey

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This morning I was struck by the privilege we have to watch a “new day” dawning simply because God ordained it. He gives it to us for our personal enjoyment and to highlight His presence. He has great things in store for us each day beyond what we’ve already planned. This may be an “aha” moment, or an experience that brings spiritual growth. It could be victory over a situation that has bothered us for some time. He knows what each new day needs to contain for us, His children.

Then there’s each “new year”. When it arrives I always feel as though I’m picking up a new book to read. It fosters a spirit of anticipation. Through God’s Word we know that this year will be full of unexpected plans and dreams created for us by God before the foundation of the world. Do you wonder what things will unfold in your life in 2018? What things are you trusting God to bring about for you?

As we turn our calendars to February, we may find reminders of “new opportunities” ahead. Perhaps you will step into arenas you haven’t experienced before. This may cause some apprehension. When I am about to encounter new things and would rather hold on to what’s familiar, this favorite promise helps me align my perspective with God’s heart:

“Do not call to mind the former things.
Or ponder things of the past.
Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.”
Isaiah 43:18-19

Living Legacy

24 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by gaillporter in Choices, Faith, Journey

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I’ve suffered another loss. Unexpected. Not ready. Are we ever ready?

Thomas was 81. Many of us witnessed his physical changes during the last decade of life. Yet, his heart for impacting people for Christ never wavered. So the news of his stroke caught us off guard.

My friendship with Thomas and his wife Molly began almost 50 years ago. We served God together in a Christian organization, and I never envisioned I would have the privilege of being Thomas’ executive assistant for 27 years.

Time had passed so quickly. Now it was standing still.

Thomas laid in his hospital bed for 14 days, unable to speak yet able to hear. Most of those days his three children surrounded around his bedside. During that time God reminded them of their father’s comment, “Why do people say all those nice things about someone after they’re gone? Why don’t they tell them while they’re still living?”

That birthed an idea. “Why don’t we invite people to say what they want Dad to know now?”

Emails poured in and they took turns reading each one to Thomas. They held the cell phone to his ear so he could hear a call or a voicemail left at a designated number. Once in a while he’d mumble a weak response; other times a tear would flow down his cheek as he listened to words of endearment. Some who lived nearby visited in person.

This “living memorial” went on for days.

I sent an email because I didn’t trust my emotions to hold up while I expressed my love, admiration, and appreciation for all he poured into my life that shaped who I am today. When he lingered, I asked God for strength to call so he would hear my voice before his journey to heaven. I especially wanted him to know I’d keep on serving God for the rest of my life.

A couple days later he was gone. Immediately transported into the presence of God because he had embraced God and begun a personal relationship with Him.

I wondered, “What will my life be like without seeing Thomas, hearing his contagious laughter, or receiving his words of love, friendship, advice, and encouragement?”

Brokenhearted, I turned my question to God. God helped me see that Thomas had finished the work He had given him to do. He’d left a legacy that had helped countless people know how to have eternal life and serve God wholeheartedly.

Now it’s my turn to continually build the legacy I believe God wants me to leave behind by helping others know God and live for Him.

The way I spend each day is important. I never know when it may be my last.

True Thanksgiving

25 Wednesday Nov 2015

Posted by gaillporter in Choices, Connections, Faith

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During a Thanksgiving gathering, our speaker presented a thought-provoking insight based on the story of 10 lepers whom Jesus healed.

“Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, ‘Jesus, Master, have pity on us!’

“When he saw them, he said, ‘Go, show yourselves to the priests.’ And as they went, they were cleansed.

“One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.

“Jesus asked, ‘Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?’ Then he said to him, ‘Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” Luke 17:11-19 (NIV)

Our “messenger” pointed out three things in this passage. The men had a need. Jesus’ attentiveness to that need created gratitude in their hearts. Yet only one healed man expressed thanksgiving to Jesus. We learned that gratitude is a feeling while thanksgiving is an action.

I can only imagine the shame these 10 men must have experienced when they approached Jesus and stood at a distance from Him. They’d been ostracized from society, without any love or care. They weren’t sure what would happen. But Jesus saw them and listened to their cries of desperation. On the way to see the priests, as Jesus had instructed, they were cleansed—healed from their dreadful disease.

Surely all 10 of them were grateful for their deliverance. But one returned to praise God in a loud voice so everyone would know that Jesus had indeed taken pity on him and healed him. Then in an act of humility he threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked Him. Jesus responded with a blessing: “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

At the end of our own gathering, we were challenged to consider what things we are grateful for and ask ourselves if we have put our feeling of gratitude into action yet. I am grateful for my 97-year-old uncle who loves and encourages me as we go through life without many family members we both miss. Tonight I called to thank him personally—my act of true Thanksgiving.

Letting the Wall Fall

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by gaillporter in Choices, Fear, Hope

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Last month we talked about the Strength of Grief. That blog post centered on excerpts from a book I read. One character sought to build courage into the heart of the other one who was trying to recover from a terrifying trauma.

He said, “You survived by hiding . . . but it’s a defense. Grieving is about letting down that shield, not having to keep that defensive wall in place. When you can lower it and not get overwhelmed by the memories, you’ll know your healing is mostly complete . . . and be ready to move on.”

Today let’s talk about that “defensive wall”. It’s easy to construct. We erect it because we can’t bear the flood of emotions. Yet, facing our emotions brings healing.

I pray that the second excerpt below will shed new insight and create a desire in your heart to ask God to break down your wall, if it’s still up. He wants you to experience freedom from the inevitable grief and sadness. And to dream again.

“I’m hoping, praying, that the wall you’ve had to put in place around yourself and your emotions will come down. That there will be more of you appearing. Wider emotional swings both up and down. More energy. Dreams for your life. Things you want. Desires of the heart. And, yes, a deeper sadness. Grieve. All of it. That’s life, and the more of it you are feeling, the closer you are to being whole again.”

“. . . It will give you the ability to see the world around you as it exists both good and bad. It will be having a life that isn’t being steered by the past, where it doesn’t feel like the past is a daily anchor weighing on your thoughts, or on your impressions of places and people. Healing will be the capacity and the ability to love family and care about friends. It will be about having dreams for yourself and the confidence to work toward them. Healing in part is being able to feel you are free of the past.”

Excerpts from page 278 of Taken.
Used by permission of the author, Dee Henderson.

Holding On

30 Saturday May 2015

Posted by gaillporter in Choices, Fear, Loss

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I wonder how this year’s Memorial Day impacted you. Did it bring sweet memories that lifted your spirits? Or were your memories painful because they represented the sorrow of separation from someone you love? Remembering can still be painful when we are having trouble letting go.

An acquaintance of mine still wrestles with the death of his brother who lost his life in Iraq six years ago. He has been unable to reconcile with his loss, even after the passage of years.

A dear friend lost her husband when they were in their 70’s. His absence was almost more than she could bear. Even years later, when we visited together and shared refreshments, she carried an 8 x 10 framed picture of him from room to room as we moved about her home. Her depth of sorrow seemed natural, since they’d known each other since second grade. Yet, I realized that her inability to accept his death and finish her grieving season had kept her in emotional bondage. She remained sorrowful until the day she died almost 20 years later.

God wants us to remember but also to let go. Some people who read my Life through Loss book told me that the following quotes helped shift their perspective, which opened the door for healing. In memory of your loved ones, I share these excerpts from page 161.

Moving toward a new life is scary. You may be afraid if you let go of your sorrow you will forget the person.

Christine Cleary lost her husband to cancer when he was 44. She says, “Death forces you to look back, and acceptance involves slowly turning your body around to look forward. If you begin a new chapter of life, you carry the person you lost along with you.”

Someone else said, “Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that you don’t ‘recover’. Instead, you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others. Eventually, it has been said, your grief walks beside you instead of consuming you.”

Holly Prigerson, ‎Director of the Center for Psycho-oncology and Palliative Care Research at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, explains, “In general, bereaved survivors shouldn’t think of ‘getting over’ a loss, but develop ways to get used to it. Even years after someone dies, pangs of grief may come out of the blue, and feelings of heartache and missing the deceased are rekindled. That’s normal.”

Step into the New Year…God’s Way

22 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by gaillporter in Choices, Connections

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When a new year approaches, I often experience a tingle of excitement and anticipation as I wonder what lies ahead. Finally January 1 arrives. Visually it’s as though I’ve turned the final page of last year’s book and reached for a brand new book…the story that God will write in my heart and life in the new year.

That’s what happened this year. The joy of celebrating an early Christmas with my nephew Casey and his daughter Piper still lingered in my heart. I welcomed in the new year with friends and the next morning had a free day ahead of me. Opening a new journal, I jotted down highlights and “low lights” from last year and pondered some dreams and plans and possible adventures for 2015. That night I went to bed with a calm heart and a smile on my face.

Then the rhythm of life began to penetrate my world. Monday morning arrived along with numerous responsibilities as a member of a leadership team that was meeting for the entire week to plan for the new year.

Reminders about church and community commitments began to pop up on my phone. Sad news from a niece relating to a family crisis as well as triumphant news from a nephew who had begun a wonderful new career spun me into roller-coaster emotions.

Today nothing went according to plan. Hoping that a service rep was coming to attend to urgent electrical home repairs, I listened while the polite young woman on the phone explained that the first available appointment is two days from now.

I’d reserved this morning for writing to you about my thoughts for the new year. Instead, unexpected and urgent work emails crowded out those hours. As I looked ahead in my calendar I felt overwhelmed with responsibilities in many arenas. I wondered how I’d have the stamina and wisdom to fulfill each one.

Then God gently reminded me to cease striving and be still; to entrust my plans to Him because He sees the complete picture and knows how it will all be accomplished.

Interestingly, a canceled commitment for this weekend is allowing me to participate in my church women’s retreat. Seems that all along God had planned to give me this special chance to cease striving, be still for a few days, and center my thoughts on Him and His Word. Surely I will be recharged and better prepared to step into the new year His way.

“Be still and know that I am God!”
Psalm 46:10a

“The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.”
Proverbs 16:9

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.”
Psalm 37:23-24

Thanksgiving During Gray Days

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by gaillporter in Choices, Hope, Loss

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In this season of thanksgiving, we are encouraged to “count our blessings”. Yet, you may be struggling to recognize blessings in your life, especially if your loss of a loved one or close friend has been recent. Your pain, heartache and grief may still be overshadowing any joyful or happy things happening around you.

Maybe your pain relates to the loss of a dream, a relationship, a hope you had hidden in your heart. Any kind of loss can captivate us and cover the sun.

This morning as I read from Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling devotional book, I was struck by one portion. “To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts.”

I experienced that recently. My focus on the absence of my brother Greig and the sorrow of separation spun me into a dark time. God saw my heavy heart and used my brother’s son Casey to lift the weight. Amazingly, then I was able to see that my brother’s absence from earth is a reason to thank God. Greig is experiencing new life in heaven with God now. Once I was willing to thank God for this truth rather then focus on my brother’s absence, I experienced joy. [See my August 21 post for more details.]

I pray that God will lift your heart today so you will be able to recognize your blessings, from life and breathe, to a hug from a child, or the caring words of a friend. Acknowledging God’s blessings won’t make the pain of loss go away. But your willingness to thank Him will soften your pain and allow you to see the beauty and brightness in your day.