Category Archives: Choices

Letting the Wall Fall

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by in Choices, Fear, Hope

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Last month we talked about the Strength of Grief. That blog post centered on excerpts from a book I read. One character sought to build courage into the heart of the other one who was trying to recover from a terrifying trauma.

He said, “You survived by hiding . . . but it’s a defense. Grieving is about letting down that shield, not having to keep that defensive wall in place. When you can lower it and not get overwhelmed by the memories, you’ll know your healing is mostly complete . . . and be ready to move on.”

Today let’s talk about that “defensive wall”. It’s easy to construct. We erect it because we can’t bear the flood of emotions. Yet, facing our emotions brings healing.

I pray that the second excerpt below will shed new insight and create a desire in your heart to ask God to break down your wall, if it’s still up. He wants you to experience freedom from the inevitable grief and sadness.  And to dream again.

“I’m hoping, praying, that the wall you’ve had to put in place around yourself and your emotions will come down. That there will be more of you appearing. Wider emotional swings both up and down. More energy. Dreams for your life. Things you want. Desires of the heart. And, yes, a deeper sadness. Grieve. All of it. That’s life, and the more of it you are feeling, the closer you are to being whole again.”

“. . . It will give you the ability to see the world around you as it exists both good and bad. It will be having a life that isn’t being steered by the past, where it doesn’t feel like the past is a daily anchor weighing on your thoughts, or on your impressions of places and people. Healing will be the capacity and the ability to love family and care about friends. It will be about having dreams for yourself and the confidence to work toward them. Healing in part is being able to feel you are free of the past.”

Excerpts from page 278 of Taken.
Used by permission of the author, Dee Henderson.

Holding On

30 Saturday May 2015

Posted by in Choices, Fear, Loss

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I wonder how this year’s Memorial Day impacted you. Did it bring sweet memories that lifted your spirits? Or were your memories painful because they represented the sorrow of separation from someone you love? Remembering can still be painful when we are having trouble letting go.

An acquaintance of mine still wrestles with the death of his brother who lost his life in Iraq six years ago. He has been unable to reconcile with his loss, even after the passage of years.

A dear friend lost her husband when they were in their 70’s. His absence was almost more than she could bear. Even years later, when we visited together and shared refreshments, she carried an 8 x 10 framed picture of him from room to room as we moved about her home. Her depth of sorrow seemed natural, since they’d known each other since second grade. Yet, I realized that her inability to accept his death and finish her grieving season had kept her in emotional bondage. She remained sorrowful until the day she died almost 20 years later.

God wants us to remember but also to let go. Some people who read my Life through Loss book told me that the following quotes helped shift their perspective, which opened the door for healing. In memory of your loved ones, I share these excerpts from page 161.

Moving toward a new life is scary. You may be afraid if you let go of your sorrow you will forget the person.

Christine Cleary lost her husband to cancer when he was 44. She says, “Death forces you to look back, and acceptance involves slowly turning your body around to look forward. If you begin a new chapter of life, you carry the person you lost along with you.”

Someone else said, “Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that you don’t ‘recover’. Instead, you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others. Eventually, it has been said, your grief walks beside you instead of consuming you.”

Holly Prigerson, ‎Director of the Center for Psycho-oncology and Palliative Care Research at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, explains, “In general, bereaved survivors shouldn’t think of ‘getting over’ a loss, but develop ways to get used to it. Even years after someone dies, pangs of grief may come out of the blue, and feelings of heartache and missing the deceased are rekindled. That’s normal.”

Step into the New Year…God’s Way

22 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Choices, Connections

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When a new year approaches, I often experience a tingle of excitement and anticipation as I wonder what lies ahead. Finally January 1 arrives. Visually it’s as though I’ve turned the final page of last year’s book and reached for a brand new book…the story that God will write in my heart and life in the new year.

That’s what happened this year. The joy of celebrating an early Christmas with my nephew Casey and his daughter Piper still lingered in my heart. I welcomed in the new year with friends and the next morning had a free day ahead of me. Opening a new journal, I jotted down highlights and “low lights” from last year and pondered some dreams and plans and possible adventures for 2015. That night I went to bed with a calm heart and a smile on my face.

Then the rhythm of life began to penetrate my world. Monday morning arrived along with numerous responsibilities as a member of a leadership team that was meeting for the entire week to plan for the new year.

Reminders about church and community commitments began to pop up on my phone.  Sad news from a niece relating to a family crisis as well as triumphant news from a nephew who had begun a wonderful new career spun me into roller-coaster emotions.

Today nothing went according to plan. Hoping that a service rep was coming to attend to urgent electrical home repairs, I listened while the polite young woman on the phone explained that the first available appointment is two days from now.

I’d reserved this morning for writing to you about my thoughts for the new year. Instead, unexpected and urgent work emails crowded out those hours. As I looked ahead in my calendar I felt overwhelmed with responsibilities in many arenas. I wondered how I’d have the stamina and wisdom to fulfill each one.

Then God gently reminded me to cease striving and be still; to entrust my plans to Him because He sees the complete picture and knows how it will all be accomplished.

Interestingly, a canceled commitment for this weekend is allowing me to participate in my church women’s retreat. Seems that all along God had planned to give me this special chance to cease striving, be still for a few days, and center my thoughts on Him and His Word. Surely I will be recharged and better prepared to step into the new year His way.

“Be still and know that I am God!”
Psalm 46:10a

“The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.”
Proverbs 16:9

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.”
Psalm 37:23-24

Thanksgiving During Gray Days

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Choices, Hope, Loss

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In this season of thanksgiving, we are encouraged to “count our blessings”. Yet, you may be struggling to recognize blessings in your life, especially if your loss of a loved one or close friend has been recent. Your pain, heartache and grief may still be overshadowing any joyful or happy things happening around you.

Maybe your pain relates to the loss of a dream, a relationship, a hope you had hidden in your heart. Any kind of loss can captivate us and cover the sun.

This morning as I read from Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling devotional book, I was struck by one portion. “To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts.”

I experienced that recently. My focus on the absence of my brother Greig and the sorrow of separation spun me into a dark time. God saw my heavy heart and used my brother’s son Casey to lift the weight. Amazingly, then I was able to see that my brother’s absence from earth is a reason to thank God. Greig is experiencing new life in heaven with God now. Once I was willing to thank God for this truth rather then focus on my brother’s absence, I experienced joy. [See my August 21 post for more details.]

I pray that God will lift your heart today so you will be able to recognize your blessings, from life and breathe, to a hug from a child, or the caring words of a friend. Acknowledging God’s blessings won’t make the pain of loss go away. But your willingness to thank Him will soften your pain and allow you to see the beauty and brightness in your day.

My Nephew’s Text

21 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by in Authentic, Choices, Connections

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“Thinking of your dad today. Hard to believe it’s been 4 years. Love you.” I sent that text to my nephew Casey (my brother’s son) on the anniversary that his father passed away.

I intended to make Casey feel loved and remembered. Because of our shared experience with his father’s battle against leukemia and his eventual death, Casey and I had grown closer. He showed his love through texting, phoning, visiting and sending pictures of his daughter.

When Casey’s reply popped up, I stared at my phone. “I wasn’t thinking about today. Wouldn’t have known unless you said something. I try to think about him living, not dying.”

Startled, my heart sank. I wanted to encourage him, but it seemed I’d offended him instead.

What should I do? I could react and defend myself or ask God to help me respond the way He would. I wondered, was I too focused on Greig’s illness and death?  Had I barricaded myself in a prison where sitting in sadness was my only agenda?  By choosing to stay aware of his absence had I hindered my ability to picture where he lived now and what my life could be like without him?

God reminded me of a favorite verse that answered my questions. Isaiah 43:18-19 says, “Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it?”

Casey-Gail scene IMG_7566-002I decided to follow God’s way and that choice opened my eyes to see things from His perspective. I realized that Casey wasn’t trying to attack me; he was expressing what he does to keep his dad’s memory alive.

The next morning I sent the answer I knew would please God: “Great perspective. You’re right. He is alive!” Our positive communication led to other honest conversations.

Now I’m experiencing emotional freedom from dwelling on the absence of my brother. I’m glad Casey sent his text. He taught me that every day I can celebrate Greig’s life—a life that will last throughout eternity.

The First Post

28 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by in Choices, Journey

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Welcome to my blog!  I invite you to visit the ABOUT section where you can read about my desired purpose for this new blog. You’ll also learn about the main fear I face in life. Yes, I’m an “ordinary person” who experiences fear just like you do.  But we can live above our fears. It is possible!  And our discoveries can put us on the path to freedom where we can experience the kind of life God has planned for us.

I look forward to blogging with you about my honest struggles, my discoveries about freedom, and steps of progress on my journey of life.  Please let me know what you are facing.  I want to be on this journey with you.

Gail Porter